you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Randomize
