The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
