Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
