Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
