Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
