just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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