Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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