i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
