You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
