I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
