Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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