So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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