If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
