I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
