Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
