When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Ladies don't puke and tell
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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