at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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