Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
