my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
