i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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