There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Randomize
