she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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