I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
