Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
