I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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