Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
