ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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