Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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