I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
