The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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