I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
