I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
