I accidentally had phone sex last night
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
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