I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
