do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I want to be your penis for a week.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
