I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
