We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
