I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
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