I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You ruined the universe
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
