I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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