i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
