She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
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I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
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I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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