So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
