he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
