he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
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I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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