Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
When did angry sex become our thing?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I love you. Go after that dick
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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