did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
