I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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