Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Randomize
