I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
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thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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