My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm like, not good at living.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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