I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
