why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
