My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
