then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
