I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
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