i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
