I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
