I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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