I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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