1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
