so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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