I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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