Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
