Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
