I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
