I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
