Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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